Too much?

I have always had an intense fear of being too sexual. I have always known that I like/want/crave sex more than most. Not to say I am slutty because I am far from, but I have always been so intrigued and consumed with thoughts about sex. It probably stems from slight abuse as a child, this fear of being "too sexual." I read a lot of blogs now, some about hookers, some about lesbians, gays and some about women who just love sex. Some I think are hot, some are too much for me and some are WAY too much for me, but I have never read any that I judge the writer for their sexuality and the way they express it. I have no desire to have anal sex, or to be fisted ( I mean lets face it, I cried when they used that speculum thing at the gyno) but if thats what gets you off, more power to you. I have a friend, an ex actually, that I had crazy feelings for, but I never thought he could handle my sexuality. Then one day he completely blew me away. And for a while I thought i couldnt keep up with him, and I regretted underestimating him.

I think now that I was correct in my first assumption, that although he is more comfortable talking about sex than I am, I am more sexual than he is. We have talked extensively about what we like, dislike, fantasize about and what we think is interesting but aren't gutsy enough to try. Its hard to explain exactly how this sharing of passion and sex has turned into something almost dirty for me. Someone who used to make me feel so safe, and so sexy has made me feel bad about something that used to make me feel good. I dont think he is doing this on purpose, he loves me in his own way and wouldnt purposefully hurt me. But I still have feelings of shame sometimes when I mention sex or masturbating, eventhough a few months ago I would have gotten a very enthusiastic response to the fact that I was turned on, or that I bought a vibrator. So what has changed? Am I TOO sexual for him now? I keep reminding myself that my sexuality is my own, and I shouldnt care about what he thinks, if he doesnt like it then too bad for him. I do miss that outlet, it was nice to talk and explore, but if he has changed then so be it. I just need to find someone who can appreciate my love of all things dirty. But I still can't help but feel abnormal every once in a while.

Sex and Coffee

I love coffee. Always have, ever since my grandmother began serving it to me laden with milk and sugar at age 7 ( much to my parents chagrin). If i could i would walk around with a coffee IV permanently in my arm I would. As i took my little charge to get ice cream as reward for good behavior I noticed an cute and ironically named coffee place next door. Since i had only had a couple cups today i decided i could treat myself to a four dollar cup of mediocre coffee. Best four dollars i have ever spent. The coffee boy (which he will now affectionately be called) was so freaking adorable. The kind of guy who is gorgeous and has no clue, and is slightly shy which has always done fun things to my pulse and panties. I will be frequenting this coffee shop a lot in the next few weeks. And the highlight of my coffee trip? He checked out my boobs (the only reason i tolerate my ridiculously large breasts) and then blushed. HONEST TO GOD HE BLUSHED. I know.. sooooo adorable right? If only i could make him stop calling me Ma'am. But even that is kind of cute.

p.s. My mom found my vibrator. Awkwaaaaaaaaaaard.

Am I on the wrong team?

I had a dream last night that cracked me up and made me wonder. It was the best and most realistic dream I have ever had about me in a relationship. It was exactly the way i would act in real life, and the kind of relationship i have always dreamed of (haha). It even included great sex and a bump in the road i handled maturely and calmly (which would be the first time ever). So what is so scary about this dream? I am a chick. In this dream.. i was WITH a chick. And being a lesbian does not freak me out, i have kissed my fair share of girls and frankly i have fantastic taste in women. But my question is.. does this mean i should give the girl on girl a shot? Maybe i have been playing for the wrong team all along. Hmm.. def something to think about.